Chasing Dreams

I never wanted to be a 'typical' American. The 9-5, white picket fence, has never been something i wanted from life. I always felt a separation between myself, and society. At a young age, I knew I was meant to do things differently. 

After high school I had a longing to go somewhere else, I was in the midst of signing up for the Marines. Once ma found out, she said it was a bullet in my foot or college. I went to college (3 different colleges) did an internship, got my degree. These things brought nothing into my life worth keeping. So this is when I decided it was time to chase my dreams. 

My biggest passions where: art and the environment. These passions manifested into a clothing brand. I made organic clothes with messages of environmental friendliness. I did everything within my power to get my brand off the ground. That wasn't enough. So after a few trials and failures, I decided to put my time and energy elsewhere. 

Failing is hard, especially when you fail at something you're passionate about. After I decided to abandon my brand, I needed to search my soul. Looking within myself for a way to use my passions in the real world.

I found that if I looked closely enough at life, I'd witness signs that will lead to where I want to go. I was getting tattooed pretty frequently at this point. Also making a lot of personal artwork that looked a lot like tattoo flash. Learning that tattooing is a serious way for artists to make a living. I thought about it a lot, and decided this was my next course of action. 

I created an image of myself, becoming a successful tattooer in a place other than where I'm from. I decided I was ready to chase another dream. I travelled, in search of the things I needed to manifest the dream into reality: advice and apprenticeship. My travels took me literally coast to coast; and on the west coast, in a neighborhood called Hollywood I found my apprenticeship. 

I had obtained what I worked and travelled for, I was a tattoo apprentice and made a life for myself in a foreign place. Once I started tattooing, I instantly realized that was what I was meant to do with my life. I was the king of my world, ready for what my life would throw at me.

Yet, I wasn't really happy in Hollywood, I got what I wanted and was looking to grow further. I decided I was going to head for Nashville, another city booming with creativity, home to some incredible tattooers. I wanted to make a name for myself in a new place, again. Along the way, I planned on stopping in my hometown and possibly a couple other places, planting roots for future endeavors. 

I tattooed in my hometown for two months, as a guest in the shop i got my first tattoo. It was an incredible experience. I had returned home, a champion of my endeavors, with an ability to spread my passion with others. Making a name for myself in the city I'm from for the first time, and something happened inside myself. I didn't want to take the next step, I was content with the life I had made for myself. Yet, when the time came to hit the road, I left the good thing I made, to make something else. 

Once I arrived in Nashville, I knew there was one thing I wanted to accomplish, so I chased it. I wanted to insert myself into a culture I respected. At first it was working, and soon after, it just wasn't working out. As I sit here now, typing this, I know that maybe this wasn't meant to be. At least right now, because it doesn't feel good. The curious desire that has pushed me for so long, is gone.

Maybe I already found what I've been looking for this whole time. I think what I had in my hometown, was what I need now. So I've found myself in a dilemma, do I continue to chase this dream even though it doesn't feel right, or do I return home to grasp what's left of the good thing I had. 

This pickle has raised a lot of questions within myself. Am I lost? Have I given up? Am I abandoning my dream, or had I already abandoned it? Is it acceptable to abandon one dream, to chase another? Am I going to make the right decision? 

I'm going to let the universe decide, I cannot force myself to continue this pursuit. Especially when it feels like I've already found what i'm pursuing. 

I have tried to make all of my dreams become my reality. Truthfully this endeavor has taken a lot of energy from my soul, and has made this next step very hard to take. I've given this everything I have, but if it isn't going to manifest, I will not force myself into a situation where my dream could become a nightmare. 

I feel like a failure, but maybe i was just reaching too high. It could be my timing is off, perhaps the right thing to do is go back to where i'm doing well. Take time to perfect myself, and once I'm ready to move on, I will. 

The lesson to learn here, is that I should make sure that my dreams don't disrupt my reality. If something feels right, i need to hold on to that as long as I can. Once it doesn't feel that way, then I let go, and move on. 

It could be, chasing my dream created a reality that was better for me, it's just different than I expected.